Wednesday, 6 August 2014

Turtles: POWER. Action: POWER. Story: TAK POWER.



Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Not a review.
Heroes in a half shell!
Turtle power!
Cowabunga!



Leonardo, commander and the leader!
Raphael, he is the rage and the anger!
Donatello, he is the smartest fighter!
(Oh, and Michaelangelo, Pizza power!)
Turtle tubs save the day!



Fighting crime, trying to save the world,
Here they come, just in time,
The Ninja Turtles!
Er, sorry, wrong cartoon theme song.



At first you'll be, like, OMG THEY LOOK SO UGLY!
Then later the look kinda grows on you.
But you'll still get a bit annoyed here and there,
Especially with Michelangelo.
Like, what's with the hip-hop overdose, dude?



Megan Fox: acting tak power!
But hey, it's Megan Fox.
She's not exactly there for her acting, right?
Will Arnett, a bit wasted.
He's BATMAN, for god's sake.
ok, just his LEGO voice, but STILL...



So.. they really took shredder's name literally, didn't they?
"He's called Shredder, lets make him shred stuff!"
Wolverine? BAH, he's only got six claws.
Shredder? He's got a FREAKING SHREDDING MACHINE ON HIS HANDS!
Now, if only he'd shred some cheese too.
Shredder shredding the chedder. Hur hur.



So...
Turtles: POWER.
Story: TAK POWER.
Action: POWER
Shredder: LOW POWER
Megan: POWDER FLUFF
OVERALL: BRAIN POWER OFF.



Hey, it's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Produced by MICHAEL BAY
What else did you expect?
You want serious turtle shit?
Go read the original TMNT comics.


Thursday, 31 July 2014

More Fun Than You Can Shake A Groot At



Guardians of The Galaxy.
Not a review.
"It wouldn't work," they said.
"It has no Avengers," they said.
"It's their biggest risk," they said.
"It's DOOMED cos it's got a FREAKING TALKING RACCOON!" they said.
I wonder who these "they" are,
cos I wanna find them and say, "BLAM! MURDERED YOU!"



Because the talking raccoon is the best thing in the movie.
Well, also to the talking tree.
And the human thesaurus.
And the green Na'vi.
And the 80's flashback white dude.
Heck, ALL THE GUARDIANS ARE AWESOME!



Star-Lord!
Star, Lord, man.
The Han Solo of Marvel, maybe?
Hey wait, MArvel and Star Wars are under Disney now,
Can Star-Lord cameo in Star Wars PLEAAAASEE????



DRAX! THE DESTROYER!
A.K.A. The Walking Thesaurus!
His reflexes are so fast nothing goes over his head!
What I would have given to see him do a Batista Bomb on Ronan.



Gamora!
From now on you shall be known as Gamora Saldana,
Just because it rhymes.
And because you kick ass!
And Zoe, green suits you more than blue, BTW.



Rocket Raccoon!
(Sorry, he's NOT a raccoon.
(Just like this is NOT a review.)
Easily one of the coolest characters of 2014.
C'mon, it's a Raccoon, with a BLASTER GUN BIGGER THAN HIM
That's cool, right?



I am Groot!
I... AM... GROOT!
I, AM Groot.
I am Groot?
I. AM. GROOOOOOT!!!!



Only complaint is the bad guys.
Like, DUH? THAT'S IT?
Ronan the Accuser didn't accuse much, did he?
Even Ronan Keating had more character.
And Nebula who?



Together, they are the GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY!
Of the Marvel movies this year, this is my favorite.
And arguably my second favorite movie of the year.
Maybe even the first.



Captain America was great and all, but this was better.
IT's more... FUN!
FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN
More fun than you can shake a Groot at!
And if you say otherwise...
BLAM! MURDERED YOU!

Tuesday, 24 June 2014

Optimus Prime and Grimlock, together at last!



Transformers: Age of Extinction.
Not a Review.
Otherwise known as Transformers 4.
Yes, Michael Bay's made four of these.
The first one's still the best.
But this is probably a close second.
But I think Bay should take a break lor.



First things first,
One thing that makes this better than all the previous TF movies:
NO ANNOYING CHARACTERS.
OK there are one or two,
But they're not around long enough to spoil the movie.



OPTIMUS PRIME!
IN HIS G1 ALTERNATE MODE!
Now THAT alone was worth watching this.
It made Optimus Prime feel like the REAL Optimus Prime again.
After he changed back to Bayfire Mode,
It was like he lost all his character.



Oooh, new Autobots!
HOUND! He would've made a great Howling Commando.
DRIFT! I wish Bludgeon was around to cross swords with him.
CROSSFIRE! I didn't know his name until halfway through the movie.
But hey, at least he kicked ass.



And of course.... DINOBOTS!
GRIMLOCK KICK BUTT!
But hor, when Optimus started riding Grimlock like a horsey,
I thought, "Eh, macam Action Masters je. Or Dino Riders."



Decepticons? Meh.
Got Galvatron lor.
Got Lockdown doing his Boba Fett impression.
And got some HUGE ASS SHIP.
(Eh, why that part look like Unicron wan?)



Mark Wahlberg's definitely better than Shia.
And for once I didn't hate him
(yes, I hate Mark Wahlberg in general, so sue me).
He can kick Shia's ass anytime.



The girl isn't annoying, at least,
And wasn't around just to look pretty
(Though she IS pretty to look at).
And Dr. Frasier Crane was pretty damn good.
And got that guy from TV who always plays the bad guys.



But hor...
OMG SO LONG.
AND SO LOUD.
My ears were ringing after the show.
Michael Bay really upped the volume & explosions this time.
It's TWO HOURS 45 MINUTES.
That's A LOT OF EXPLOSIONS to sit through.



But still, It's Transformers,
So you get what you expect.
Still a lot of completely silly illogical moments,
But at least you don't feel like strangling any characters.
Besides it's got OPTIMUS IN HIS G1 ALTERNATE MODE.
And GRIMLOCK! YEAH!



Meh. Puny humans.

Friday, 23 May 2014

All You Need Is Tom Cruise



Edge of Tomorrow.
Not a review.
Should have been called All You need is Kill.
Cos that's a WAAAAY cooler title.
I mean, Edge of Tomorrow?
What the hell does that even MEAN?



Oklah, the movie was better than expected.
Quite good actually.
Like Groundhog Day with aliens and explosions.
Or Source Code but with a bigger budget.
Plus it's got Tom Cruise getting killed.
Over, and over, and over, and over again.
WIN!



Action is good, pacing is good,
The story is kickass,
And the acting is pretty damn good too.
Emily Blunt is good,
Tom Cruise is good (more on him later).



It's based on a Japanese novel/manga
And they've kept MOST of the story at least
(which is kickass, BTW)
If only they hadn't cast Tom Cruise.
Ok, he was actually pretty good here,
But I swear he just Tomcruisifies everything he does,



It doesn't matter where the source material came from.
Mission Impossible? More like Tom Cruise: Secret Agent.
Jack Reacher? More like Tom Cruise: Private Eye.
Oblivion? More like Tom Cruise versus Tom Cruise.
Edge of Tomorrow? More like All You Need Is Tom Cruise.



But this is worth watching in the cinema though.
Especially IMAX.
the opening battle scene alone is worth the IMAX ticket.
And at least Tom Cruise doesn't smile TOO much.
(So you won't get blinded by his dazzling white teeth)



Tuesday, 20 May 2014

Singer in the Key of X



X-Men: Days of Future Past
Not a review.
Now THAT is an X-Men movie!
Not that Brett Ratner crap.
This is Singer in the Key of X!



PROFESSOR X! (Both old and new ones are awesome)
MAGNETO! (Wah Fassbender does a GREAT Mckellen)
WOLVERINE! (SO MUCH better here than in his OWN movies)



MYSTIQUE! (Jannifer Lawrence hubba hubba)
QUICKSILVER! (has THE BEST SCENE of 2014 so far)
KITTY PRYDE! (Eh since when she had THOSE powers?)



ICEMAN! (An ice slide, FINALLY!)
STORM! (Halle Berry is still the worse Storm ever)
BEAST! (is your alias James P. Sullivan, Hank?)
ROGUE! (Oh wait...)



BLINK! (Blink and you'll miss her only spoken line!)
COLOSSUS! (Eh macam tak power langsung wan)
Sunspot! Warpath! Havok! Er... Toad!
And a whole lot more I can't give away spoilers for!



Welcome back, Mr Singer,
And well done.
This is the best X-Men movie since YOUR last X-Men movie.
And to top it all off,
You've erased the memory of Brett Rattner's Last Stand!
And now, BRING ON THE APOCALYPSE!
(stay behind for the end of credits scene, BTW)

Monday, 12 May 2014

GOJIRA! GOJIRA! GOJIRA!!!



Godzilla.
Not a review.
GOJIRA!
GOJIRA!
GOJIRAAAAA!!!!



Now THAT'S a Godzilla movie!
Not that stupid Roland Emmerich crap.
At least THIS Godzilla looks like Godzilla,
Not a like a mutated T-Rex.
And when THAT tail LIGHTS UP...
WHOOOHOOO!!!!



The MUTO looks a bit like the Cloverfield monster though,
And somehow reminded me of the Pacific Rim kaijus.
Looks damn awesome when destroying stuff.
But hor, I dowan to just see monsters destroying stuff.



Correction: I dowan to see monsters destroying stuff, ON THEIR OWN.
I wanna see monsters FIGHTING GOJIRA!!!
A bit too much drama drama for me though.
Too many humans emoing
Not enough monsters demolishing.



Also hor, a bit slow lor
30 minutes in, not a single monster in sight.
Only Walter White and his nuclear reactor.
And Kick-Ass pretending to be a soldier.
COME ON, JUST GIVE US MONSTERS FIGHTING MONSTERS.



But when GOJIRA! came on,
That was like, FUCK YEAH! GOJIRA!!!!
But the damn director kept teasing us.
Godzilla and MUTO about to fight... CUT TO SMALL TV SCREEN
Godzilla and MUTO facing off... CLOSE DOOR.
WTF! *flip table*



One thing I couldn't help noticing though,
WHY IS GODZILLA SO GODDAMN FAT?
I hereby dub thee Obesezilla!
Yo-zilla so fat he make keju by sitting on keju
Yoz-zilla so fat he make Jaeger look like Mick Jagger
Ate too many cheeseburgers is it?
The Japanese one eat sushi more hehehehe.